It All Comes Back to Me Now

It's amazing how quickly I forget what it was that Karina would do that was so upsetting.  Its like being pregnant and sick.  You remember you felt miserable but it's not until you are pregnant and sick again that you realize just how miserable it is.

Karina was doing so well.  I actually enjoyed being around her.  Instead of having to give myself a pep talk and reminding myself to be nice it just came naturally.  I was shocked and so relieved.  There is an incredibly guilty feeling that comes with dreading the arrival of your child from school.  I was so grateful to be able to enjoy her presence and to feel a connection.

Karina is back to her antics.  I expected this.  It is normal.  But I don't feel upset or desperate like I once did.  Counseling has helped so much with that.  We have a plan in place.  I have back up.  It is such a blessed relief.

What are Karina's antics?  So far this episode has been mild.  Pretending to do chores but not doing them or doing just enough to try to fool you, i.e. spraying the toilet but not wiping it.  Making many piles of junk.  I'm not sure where she gets all of it but she seems to be a garbage magnet.  She collects the most random items and then stashes them in random places.  We counted ten piles in her bedroom, in the open as well as hidden.  Forgetting how to count when she does jumping jacks was another one.  Not being ready for school when we leave thus missing school.  "Innocently" disrupting family scripture study.  Bugging siblings and dogs when I am not in the room.  The best part about it is I now know how to handle each of these scenarios and I don't feel angry.

We talked yesterday in our counseling session about why Karina may be closing up again.  In an essay she said she felt uncomfortable being good.  That seems strange.  But I was talking to my fabulous neighbor today about it.  She made a good analogy.  Its like deciding you are going on a diet.  You go for two weeks without any sugar.  You're doing great and feel good.  But out of nowhere you're tired of being good.  You want some sugar, NOW!  You know it is going to give you a headache and make you feel lousy but you don't care anymore.  You cave.  Its all down hill from there.

Another factor that could have triggered her is that Lucy has been so nasty to her.  A real jerk!  She had been punching her and teasing her at school.  On our way to St. George last week I watched through the rear view mirror as Lucy socked both Maggy (our dog) and Karina.  This was no love tap.  I pulled off the closest exit and told Lucy she needed to get out and do 100 jumping jacks.  We waited for an hour.  We even attracted the attention of a highway patrol.  Lucy did her JJ's pretty fast after that.  Anyway, Lucy's violence toward Karina could have contributed.

I also wonder if Karina felt empowered by Lucy's meltdown.  Usually she was the one in trouble.  Suddenly Lucy was doing all the things Karina was notorious for.  Lucy was not only doing them.  She was putting Karina to shame.  Karina was the strong one for once. Then when Lucy started being cooperative Karina panicked.  Something's not right.  Someone has to be in trouble.  Laurel did say once when there are two RAD kids in the same family they often swing on opposite pendulums.

At any rate, tonight I had to laugh to myself, which is better than crying.  It all came back to me, sort of like that first twinge of morning sickness.  Ugh!  I remember now.  This is why I felt so exasperated, desperate, frustrated...  Except I don't feel those things now.  Thank goodness!



On a side note:  I really hesitated writing this blog.  Sharing so much