"Why am I so upset?" I have often asked myself over the last four years when confronted with seemingly insignificant actions by either Lucy or Karina. "It seems so silly!" I tell myself I am overreacting or getting frustrated over nothing.
This question came to my mind even today. Karina was doing strong sitting in front of the door. (Silly place to have her sit but it is the most convenient place when I am in the kitchen preparing meals.) The boys were heading to scouts. Karina had to move a little for them to pass. After they went out she held the door open and proceeded to call after them making sure they could find their shoes. As she did so Maggy, our large puppy, slipped by her and ran outside. Ugh! Maggy is such a pain to catch.
Immediately my temperature gauge started to rise. Thankfully, I have learned to pause long enough to calm my natural reaction and consider how I should handle the situation. Why was I angry about this?! It was innocent enough. She hadn't done anything wrong. Right? All she had done was make sure her brothers were taken care of. Right? She didn't mean to let Maggy outside. Right?
Wrong!
It was deliberate. She is not supposed to "mother" any of her siblings. Ever. They hate it and she loves it. And she has let the dog squeeze through the door several times over the last couple weeks. Our therapist says their minds work backwards. A normal child would do everything not to let the dog out for several reasons. They would have to chase her, she may get hit by a car, she may jump on a neighbor, etc. A RAD child is programmed to drive you crazy. Karina knows its going to make everyone mad so she lets the dog slip through all the while pretending she is completely innocent then acting incredulous when she is accused of letting her out. Its the ultimate case of crazy-making. That's why I am so upset.
Its the same reason I want to scream when Lucy parts her hair wrong. You know how the hair stylist parts your hair before she cuts it. If you part your hair even a millimeter closer to the center of your head than she did you get a few strands of hair that are an inch or two longer? Yes, I am embarrassed to admit this one. I had to tell Laurel today about the hair issue. It was all I could do to not duck my head, put my hand over my mouth and mumble through a cough, "UH HEM, she parts her hair wrong." Seriously humiliating!
Laurel asked, "And it drives you crazy." It was actually more of a statement.
"Yes!!" We both laughed.
Hair issues have been going on for years with Lucy. It is her act of passive resistance. And I don't think she took lessons from Ghandi. She knows it drives me up the wall. Of course I have been handling it all wrong. Apparently what I am supposed to do it is laugh and tell her how clever and creative she is, which is true. She is always coming up with new ways of doing or not doing her hair that makes my insides crawl.
This is the difference between Karina and Lucy. Karina does the opposite of what she is supposed to. Lucy parts her hair wrong and stares just above your left eyebrow when she should be looking in your eyes.
And now I have to address the issue of "labeling". I have been given the evil eye more than once for claiming my girls have RAD. "Because if a medical doctor didn't diagnose it how can you be sure?!" A friend of mine who also has an adopted child told me about an experience she had with a family member. It wasn't until recently that she began to be concerned about him possibly suffering from RAD. During a lunch outing one day she began to explain to this family member some of the things her son was doing (including flashing a knife at her after she had asked him to empty part of the dishwasher!) This person proceeded to fly off the handle that my friend would label her son claiming his actions were normal childhood behaviors (for a 5 year old). After all, he's such a sweet kid (these kids are master deceivers).
I know, I know. I get it. Its seems so cruel to label. And it sends the wrong message to the person being labelled, as if they are bad. Or being labelled may even entrench them further into their negative behavior. I USED to feel that way. I have since reconciled myself to the fact that if you are diagnosed with an ailment you can at least look at your options and start the process of recovery and healing. Even if the diagnosis is wrong and the treatment isn't working you will know so you can try something else.
If you don't like the term RAD, call them "children with broken hearts because they were abandoned so they push those who now love them and want to help them away." If you don't like the term heart disease, say "her heart struggles to work because her arteries are lined with a white fatty substance making it hard for the blood to get through." If you don't like the term PTSD, call it "a veteran of war who comes home and has a hard time functioning because of the atrocities he was exposed to." I prefer RAD, heart disease and PTSD. It's so much easier to say and I instantly have a small understanding of what this person might be going through.
In the end the last thing the parent of a "child who has had their heart broken because they were abandoned so now they do everything they can to crawl under the skin of their new parent to push them away for fear of being abandoned again" needs is criticism. More than likely they too have a broken heart because the child they are trying and have sacrificed so much to love and nurture is not only rejecting their every effort but throwing it back in their face with a vengeance.
Thursday, April 25, 2013
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
Laying It On the Line
I have really debated whether or not to post on the worldwide web what goes on in our private life at home. I'm not a huge fan. I'd rather people I don't know, even people I do know, not be privy to my daily life. I guess my greatest fear is being misunderstood and judged. I've had my fill. People see glimpses of what is going on with Lucy and Karina, how we handle them in certain situations, make assumptions and pass judgement. I understand. I've done it before; look at a person's circumstances in life and am convinced I know the cause, symptoms and cure. I've passed my fair share of judgement and served large helpings of unsolicited advice
In turn, I've had advice poured down on me like its the healing rain over a scorched land. Some offer help, others threaten to report us to the police. I've heard it lamented that I don't love them more, quoted "charity suffereth long...", told "orphans don't get to choose who adopts them". Its been suggested more than once that perhaps we just brought them here so they could find their forever family, or maybe we should find them a family with less kids so they could have more attention. I have been tagged the angry and controlling mother (which, by the way, are symptoms of RAD) and chastised for labeling my children. Once after a neighbor rebuked me I was reduced to tears and said we were doing all we could. She flat out told me we weren't. Ouch! If we would just let Karina talk and listen to her...
Last December I was thrown a life line. We were at our whit's end. Karina was completely out of control and we were at a loss as to what to do. Nothing we had tried worked. Not only had nothing worked but things were escalating. We were desperate with nowhere to turn.
It was at this time my brother, who had been my neighbor for the last year and half and who was an eye witness to our struggles, moved to a new neighborhood. He called me one day in amazement. He told me he had just had a conversation with his new neighbor who had adopted a sibling group several years prior. She talked to him of their struggles. The trials they had been through were almost identical to what he had either personally witnessed or I had shared with him about Karina. It gave him goosebumps. Being the saint that his neighbor is she told him she would love to talk to me.
I called her in desperation after yet another encounter with a neighbor. She calmed my frazzled spirit. It was the first time I was able to talk to someone who completely understood what I was going through. There was no irrelevant though well meaning advice. There was no judgement. There was just understanding, empathy and encouragement. She had felt the same despair and desperation only months before and was thrown a life line. Now she was offering it to me. Bless her! She gave me her phone number, telling me to call or text anytime day or night. She even gave me her husband's number in case I couldn't reach her. There was a waiting list for the counselor who had helped work wonders for her family. My new friend helped us survive the interim. She continues to offer her blessed support and friendship as an answer to many fervent and anguished prayers.
And so I have decided to swallow my pride and put myself on the line in hopes of offering a line. I probably will be misunderstood, judged or scoffed at. And that is ok. If I can help even one person, as my friend helped me, to know they are not alone and there is indeed hope I will be satisfied.
In turn, I've had advice poured down on me like its the healing rain over a scorched land. Some offer help, others threaten to report us to the police. I've heard it lamented that I don't love them more, quoted "charity suffereth long...", told "orphans don't get to choose who adopts them". Its been suggested more than once that perhaps we just brought them here so they could find their forever family, or maybe we should find them a family with less kids so they could have more attention. I have been tagged the angry and controlling mother (which, by the way, are symptoms of RAD) and chastised for labeling my children. Once after a neighbor rebuked me I was reduced to tears and said we were doing all we could. She flat out told me we weren't. Ouch! If we would just let Karina talk and listen to her...
Last December I was thrown a life line. We were at our whit's end. Karina was completely out of control and we were at a loss as to what to do. Nothing we had tried worked. Not only had nothing worked but things were escalating. We were desperate with nowhere to turn.
It was at this time my brother, who had been my neighbor for the last year and half and who was an eye witness to our struggles, moved to a new neighborhood. He called me one day in amazement. He told me he had just had a conversation with his new neighbor who had adopted a sibling group several years prior. She talked to him of their struggles. The trials they had been through were almost identical to what he had either personally witnessed or I had shared with him about Karina. It gave him goosebumps. Being the saint that his neighbor is she told him she would love to talk to me.
I called her in desperation after yet another encounter with a neighbor. She calmed my frazzled spirit. It was the first time I was able to talk to someone who completely understood what I was going through. There was no irrelevant though well meaning advice. There was no judgement. There was just understanding, empathy and encouragement. She had felt the same despair and desperation only months before and was thrown a life line. Now she was offering it to me. Bless her! She gave me her phone number, telling me to call or text anytime day or night. She even gave me her husband's number in case I couldn't reach her. There was a waiting list for the counselor who had helped work wonders for her family. My new friend helped us survive the interim. She continues to offer her blessed support and friendship as an answer to many fervent and anguished prayers.
And so I have decided to swallow my pride and put myself on the line in hopes of offering a line. I probably will be misunderstood, judged or scoffed at. And that is ok. If I can help even one person, as my friend helped me, to know they are not alone and there is indeed hope I will be satisfied.
It All Comes Back to Me Now
It's amazing how quickly I forget what it was that Karina would do that was so upsetting. Its like being pregnant and sick. You remember you felt miserable but it's not until you are pregnant and sick again that you realize just how miserable it is.
Karina was doing so well. I actually enjoyed being around her. Instead of having to give myself a pep talk and reminding myself to be nice it just came naturally. I was shocked and so relieved. There is an incredibly guilty feeling that comes with dreading the arrival of your child from school. I was so grateful to be able to enjoy her presence and to feel a connection.
Karina is back to her antics. I expected this. It is normal. But I don't feel upset or desperate like I once did. Counseling has helped so much with that. We have a plan in place. I have back up. It is such a blessed relief.
What are Karina's antics? So far this episode has been mild. Pretending to do chores but not doing them or doing just enough to try to fool you, i.e. spraying the toilet but not wiping it. Making many piles of junk. I'm not sure where she gets all of it but she seems to be a garbage magnet. She collects the most random items and then stashes them in random places. We counted ten piles in her bedroom, in the open as well as hidden. Forgetting how to count when she does jumping jacks was another one. Not being ready for school when we leave thus missing school. "Innocently" disrupting family scripture study. Bugging siblings and dogs when I am not in the room. The best part about it is I now know how to handle each of these scenarios and I don't feel angry.
We talked yesterday in our counseling session about why Karina may be closing up again. In an essay she said she felt uncomfortable being good. That seems strange. But I was talking to my fabulous neighbor today about it. She made a good analogy. Its like deciding you are going on a diet. You go for two weeks without any sugar. You're doing great and feel good. But out of nowhere you're tired of being good. You want some sugar, NOW! You know it is going to give you a headache and make you feel lousy but you don't care anymore. You cave. Its all down hill from there.
Another factor that could have triggered her is that Lucy has been so nasty to her. A real jerk! She had been punching her and teasing her at school. On our way to St. George last week I watched through the rear view mirror as Lucy socked both Maggy (our dog) and Karina. This was no love tap. I pulled off the closest exit and told Lucy she needed to get out and do 100 jumping jacks. We waited for an hour. We even attracted the attention of a highway patrol. Lucy did her JJ's pretty fast after that. Anyway, Lucy's violence toward Karina could have contributed.
I also wonder if Karina felt empowered by Lucy's meltdown. Usually she was the one in trouble. Suddenly Lucy was doing all the things Karina was notorious for. Lucy was not only doing them. She was putting Karina to shame. Karina was the strong one for once. Then when Lucy started being cooperative Karina panicked. Something's not right. Someone has to be in trouble. Laurel did say once when there are two RAD kids in the same family they often swing on opposite pendulums.
At any rate, tonight I had to laugh to myself, which is better than crying. It all came back to me, sort of like that first twinge of morning sickness. Ugh! I remember now. This is why I felt so exasperated, desperate, frustrated... Except I don't feel those things now. Thank goodness!
On a side note: I really hesitated writing this blog. Sharing so much
Karina was doing so well. I actually enjoyed being around her. Instead of having to give myself a pep talk and reminding myself to be nice it just came naturally. I was shocked and so relieved. There is an incredibly guilty feeling that comes with dreading the arrival of your child from school. I was so grateful to be able to enjoy her presence and to feel a connection.
Karina is back to her antics. I expected this. It is normal. But I don't feel upset or desperate like I once did. Counseling has helped so much with that. We have a plan in place. I have back up. It is such a blessed relief.
What are Karina's antics? So far this episode has been mild. Pretending to do chores but not doing them or doing just enough to try to fool you, i.e. spraying the toilet but not wiping it. Making many piles of junk. I'm not sure where she gets all of it but she seems to be a garbage magnet. She collects the most random items and then stashes them in random places. We counted ten piles in her bedroom, in the open as well as hidden. Forgetting how to count when she does jumping jacks was another one. Not being ready for school when we leave thus missing school. "Innocently" disrupting family scripture study. Bugging siblings and dogs when I am not in the room. The best part about it is I now know how to handle each of these scenarios and I don't feel angry.
We talked yesterday in our counseling session about why Karina may be closing up again. In an essay she said she felt uncomfortable being good. That seems strange. But I was talking to my fabulous neighbor today about it. She made a good analogy. Its like deciding you are going on a diet. You go for two weeks without any sugar. You're doing great and feel good. But out of nowhere you're tired of being good. You want some sugar, NOW! You know it is going to give you a headache and make you feel lousy but you don't care anymore. You cave. Its all down hill from there.
Another factor that could have triggered her is that Lucy has been so nasty to her. A real jerk! She had been punching her and teasing her at school. On our way to St. George last week I watched through the rear view mirror as Lucy socked both Maggy (our dog) and Karina. This was no love tap. I pulled off the closest exit and told Lucy she needed to get out and do 100 jumping jacks. We waited for an hour. We even attracted the attention of a highway patrol. Lucy did her JJ's pretty fast after that. Anyway, Lucy's violence toward Karina could have contributed.
I also wonder if Karina felt empowered by Lucy's meltdown. Usually she was the one in trouble. Suddenly Lucy was doing all the things Karina was notorious for. Lucy was not only doing them. She was putting Karina to shame. Karina was the strong one for once. Then when Lucy started being cooperative Karina panicked. Something's not right. Someone has to be in trouble. Laurel did say once when there are two RAD kids in the same family they often swing on opposite pendulums.
At any rate, tonight I had to laugh to myself, which is better than crying. It all came back to me, sort of like that first twinge of morning sickness. Ugh! I remember now. This is why I felt so exasperated, desperate, frustrated... Except I don't feel those things now. Thank goodness!
On a side note: I really hesitated writing this blog. Sharing so much
Monday, April 8, 2013
How the Tables Turn
The director at the orphanage told us we could not adopt Karina. When she said that my tail feathers went up. Wanna bet?! I thought. I can laugh now, well sort of. I guess it's more of a resigned chuckle. I got what I wanted. I now understand why I felt more strongly about adopting Karina than Dave did. He was pushing it pretty hard before we left but once we met her I was the one who "knew she was ours". I'm pretty sure that was to prevent me from ever telling Dave he was the one who got us into this. It speaks highly of him that he has never said those words to me. Although I have told myself many times I have no one to thank but myself.
Having said that and before I go any further I will also say knowing what I know now if I had the chance to do it again, I would. I still believe strongly Heavenly Father wanted Lucy and Karina in our family. But knowing He wants you to do something doesn't make it easy, right?
We now know why the director gave us a resounding NO when we asked about Karina. Both she and Lucy have Reactive Attachment Disorder, RAD. What is that? The name describes it perfectly. They react to attachment, specifically with their new mother. In other words, they do everything they can to annoy, provoke, gross out, push away, antagonize, exasperate...you get the picture. And even though you know exactly what they are doing, it works!!, which is even more exasperating.
Karina has put us through the ringer but most recently we have been struggling with Lucy. People would ask us why Lucy didn't have the same problems as Karina. I naively presumed maybe because she never formed a bond with her birth mom in the first place. She was abandoned in the hospital. That had to be it. There was no other explanation.
Wrong!!
Karina's symptoms are in our face, so to speak. Lucy's are much more subtle and sly. In fact, it wasn't until Karina's brilliant therapist began asking about Lucy that I began to pick up on her. I mean, I had always noticed the abnormal things she did (duh, Julee! Hadn't I noticed her eyeing me a thousand times like I had a big target on my nose?) I just thought maybe it was due to some disability or that it was just her personality.
When I started calling Lucy out, as directed by our counselor, employing the same methods we use for Karina, all hell broke loose. I can honestly say what I thought I would never say...Karina was never as bad as Lucy. Shocking! Because everyone loves Lucy.
It's only been three days since Lucy shifted. Well, sort of shifted. Let's just say she is being cooperative because she is tired of writing essays in the bathroom and eating peanut butter sandwiches. Our counselor says it's only a matter of time before she blows again. She still has a lot of rage bubbling under the surface. I can see and feel it, like a volcano with steam rising out the top letting out an occasional rumble. I'm bracing myself for the eruption.
For now she is on simmer. After a month of being dubbed "stupid lady", violent temper tantrums, nasty looks and even having her threaten to kill me I feel weary and leery. I was instructed she really did want to hurt me. I should protect myself and my family. We bought alarms for bedrooms and bathrooms. Presently we are accepting her attempt at calm. No punishments. Her life is punishment enough says Counselor. Poor girl. I still feel upset though I am trying not to let her know. Her counselor says to praise her every good move. It's really hard! I'm just not feeling it right now. I try anyway.
On a good note. After a couple months on the "royal" program Karina had the best month she has ever had. For the first time in nearly four year I can honestly say I felt a REAL connection with her. She has since had a hiccup which is normal. It's uncomfortable for these kids to feel good. They sabotage themselves. But it gave me a glimmer of hope. Hope...something I had pretty much given up on.
Did I mention we have an amazing therapist? She is a gift from God.
Having said that and before I go any further I will also say knowing what I know now if I had the chance to do it again, I would. I still believe strongly Heavenly Father wanted Lucy and Karina in our family. But knowing He wants you to do something doesn't make it easy, right?
We now know why the director gave us a resounding NO when we asked about Karina. Both she and Lucy have Reactive Attachment Disorder, RAD. What is that? The name describes it perfectly. They react to attachment, specifically with their new mother. In other words, they do everything they can to annoy, provoke, gross out, push away, antagonize, exasperate...you get the picture. And even though you know exactly what they are doing, it works!!, which is even more exasperating.
Karina has put us through the ringer but most recently we have been struggling with Lucy. People would ask us why Lucy didn't have the same problems as Karina. I naively presumed maybe because she never formed a bond with her birth mom in the first place. She was abandoned in the hospital. That had to be it. There was no other explanation.
Wrong!!
Karina's symptoms are in our face, so to speak. Lucy's are much more subtle and sly. In fact, it wasn't until Karina's brilliant therapist began asking about Lucy that I began to pick up on her. I mean, I had always noticed the abnormal things she did (duh, Julee! Hadn't I noticed her eyeing me a thousand times like I had a big target on my nose?) I just thought maybe it was due to some disability or that it was just her personality.
When I started calling Lucy out, as directed by our counselor, employing the same methods we use for Karina, all hell broke loose. I can honestly say what I thought I would never say...Karina was never as bad as Lucy. Shocking! Because everyone loves Lucy.
It's only been three days since Lucy shifted. Well, sort of shifted. Let's just say she is being cooperative because she is tired of writing essays in the bathroom and eating peanut butter sandwiches. Our counselor says it's only a matter of time before she blows again. She still has a lot of rage bubbling under the surface. I can see and feel it, like a volcano with steam rising out the top letting out an occasional rumble. I'm bracing myself for the eruption.
For now she is on simmer. After a month of being dubbed "stupid lady", violent temper tantrums, nasty looks and even having her threaten to kill me I feel weary and leery. I was instructed she really did want to hurt me. I should protect myself and my family. We bought alarms for bedrooms and bathrooms. Presently we are accepting her attempt at calm. No punishments. Her life is punishment enough says Counselor. Poor girl. I still feel upset though I am trying not to let her know. Her counselor says to praise her every good move. It's really hard! I'm just not feeling it right now. I try anyway.
On a good note. After a couple months on the "royal" program Karina had the best month she has ever had. For the first time in nearly four year I can honestly say I felt a REAL connection with her. She has since had a hiccup which is normal. It's uncomfortable for these kids to feel good. They sabotage themselves. But it gave me a glimmer of hope. Hope...something I had pretty much given up on.
Did I mention we have an amazing therapist? She is a gift from God.
Sunday, April 7, 2013
Celery... (July 19, 2011)
One of the poems we have memorized goes like this.
Celery
by Ogden Nash
Celery raw
Develops the jaw
But celery stewed
Is more quietly chewed
We had celery for lunch today. Luke is a chomper. I am always getting after him. As he munched away I gave him my normal incredulous look. He held out his arms and with a hopeless look said, "celery raw!!"
Weakness Turned to Strength (posted July 17, 2011)
We were sitting at the dinner table tonight talking about what the kids learned at church, our usual ritual. Emi and Luke learned about the parable of the ten talents. A master gives his servants talents. Two improve upon theirs and earn more. One hides his. When the master returns he gives more to those who improved theirs and takes away from the one that hid.
Today I pushed a little further than normal. What did the kids learn personally from this? What do they want to do differently because of what they learned today?
We have been struggling lately with weaknesses in our house. Steeling, lying, and unkind words, among other things have become common place. Some of us share weaknesses. Others are unique. At any rate, they have been causing hurt and contention. It seems nothing helps; discipline, talking, ignoring, etc. Dave and I have felt at a loss, and not just with the kid's weaknesses. We have felt discouraged in our own.
The parable of the talents led to a discussion of weaknesses.
"Who do you want to be like when you grow up?" I asked. "What do you like about that person?" I asked them to think about it and not answer. After awhile I asked who it was and why? Luke was first. He didn't want to share. I persisted and he did but then burst into tears. He has inherited my emotions. He wanted to be like Emi. We were all a little surprised. Not that Emi isn't someone to be emulated but when I asked who they wanted to be like I expected someone "big"--a super hero or prophet, someone from the scriptures.
He didn't want to say why he was upset. So we moved on. Emi wanted to be like President Hinckley. Lucy and Preston wanted to be like President Monson. These men are as close to perfect as you can be in this life, is my guess. Who wouldn't want to be like them? This is the answer I anticipated. The interesting thing was when I asked why they named characteristics that they struggle with, kindness and honesty, for example.
I came back to Luke. He wanted to be like Emi because she is good at music and doesn't sneak. I was shocked! What an insight into his heart. He again immediately burst into tears. My heart broke for him.
I know what it feels like to make a mistake. Not just any mistake but the same one over and over again. I know how it feels to not be that kind of person. It seems like a simple thing. Just don't do it anymore. Just stop. I even decide, "I'm not going to do that anymore. I'm going to do this instead." Not a few minutes later I have done the same thing again. The temptation comes and seems overwhelming and irresistible. Talk about discouragement. I understand the feelings of failure and defeat, the self-loathing that results.
So we read Ether 12:27.
"And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them."
We talked about what grace means. It is the Lord's ability to make us stronger than we are. So, if we take our weaknesses to the Lord and ask for His help. If we have faith in Him He will make weak things become strong.
The kids listened. Does that mean they will be perfect or even make a change. No. But I was grateful they listened.
Luke came into my room later with an empty ice cream container. He had gotten up before everyone else and eaten it. He actually confessed before he was found out. His conscience had stricken him and he confessed. Improvement! I'm so happy.
After we finished our discussion Lucy went around the table and shared why she loved everyone and then everyone did it back. My heart took a sigh of relief. There is actually some love in this home. It's not all contention. I'm so grateful!
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